There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There isn’t a program you go through and suddenly at the end of the 8 week program your heart is fixed and you don’t have to worry about bursting out in tears suddenly at the grocery store because the sight of Double Stuff Oreos reminded you of your Dad. So here are some things that might help you understand what helps a grieving friend.
If you say “You are so strong”, please understand we don’t want to be strong so please don’t say it. We don’t want to wake up without our loved one to talk with, hang out, hug, laugh with, argue with. I will willingly turn in my “strength” in a heartbeat to stand in front of my Dad one more time. To see him smile. To look into his beautiful blue eyes. To listen to his stories, debate with him about scripture, to discuss history.
If you ask “Is that a normal way to grieve?”, the answer will always be YES! Yes, the way my friend Jodi is grieving her father is normal. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t look like what you would assume you would do if your Dad died. YOUR Dad didn’t die. Hers did. So BACK OFF.
If we ask you “Is this weird”, your answer should be NO! Jodi sent this to me the day her Dad died: “I don’t want to do the whole sympathy breaking down ugly crying scene (that would be all me). I just want to find a dark corner of the house and sit quietly. Is that weird?” My immediate answer was “Not weird sweetie. Not weird at all.”
Don’t try to track our emotions and put them in the 5 stages of grief, because the roller coaster we are on goes forward AND backward with twists and turns variable speeds and no ending. Back to my friend Jodi, she was cleaning out some of her Dad’s stuff and we laughed way too long and hard at how many VHS tapes he still had in the house. All perfectly lined up on a book shelf, very tidy, but VERY old! And the next day she had to go pick out his gravestone. Just let us feel when we need to feel, be quiet when we need to be quiet and cry when we need to cry.
Stay with me, there are only two more.
It physically pains me to have someone say “He’s in a better place”. Yes he is and I still don’t care. My faither is in heaven with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. When he walked into heaven he was embraced by her Lord and Savior and walked into the full of presence of God. That is fully amazing and awesome. I want him back. I don’t want to lie in bed just to realize it was another day without him. Without his laugh, his wisdom, he sarcasm, his hugs, his love.
In my opinion this is the worst one to hear: I know how you feel. No you don’t. You don’t know what it was like to be my father’s daughter. You don’t know what it is like to have his smile, his eyes, his sense of humor. You don’t know all the times he made me feel loved, safe, protected. You don’t even know his name so please PLEASE don’t tell me you know how I feel. You might know how you felt when you lost your Dad and that is totally legit and I respect that statement. But you don’t know how I feel.
Please choose to sit with us on our roller coaster and just be there for us. You don’t have to have the right words, you just have to show up and let us lead.